Song of the Week #166

Sex & Engagement

This is a repost of an article by Ron Smith.  I think it's the first thing I've ever read from him...and I know nothing about him.  But this is some pretty good stuff.  Obviously, use discretion with the content below since you can tell from the title what it's about :)  It's real and it's practical.  Original article here.

BURN IT TO THE GROUND!

What is God’s will for your honeymoon? I normally begin lectures and public discussions on relationships with that question.

I then put up a picture of a multi-story hotel on fire with raging flames shooting a hundred feet into the starry sky. This is an ideal metaphor for a sexual wedding night stretching right through the whole honeymoon!

We waited until marriage, 38 years ago, to have sex. I was 25 and my wife 26. We dated 5 months and were engaged for 6 months before our wedding. I had become an official “non- virgin” teenager six years earlier experiencing a somewhat normal 19 year old guy’s hormonal rampage. I am now 62 years old and look back thinking, “What would I say to my engaged friends contemplating marriage and also contemplating sexual behavior during their engagement?”

I think I would begin by talking about all of my promiscuity up through age 20. Looking back none of it was productive or healthy really. I would talk about the fact that I drank way too much up until then. Abstinence studies have chronicled the corollary relationship between alcohol and teenage sexual behaviors.

It was not all bad. I met some really nice girls back then too. But, all in all, there is some regret and I wish I could apologize to a lot of people. Some of it is downright embarrassing to look back on. The further difficulty was having to inform my wife of my former behavior before we were even engaged. I did not get tested for STD’s but probably should have.

These behaviors dramatically changed in July of 1971. I changed one Saturday morning after being out the night before drinking and smoking dope with my girlfriend. I decided not to do those things anymore because Jesus said people must change in order to follow him. I became a follower of Jesus and it radically altered my sex ethic. I did not really know what was happening at the time but I knew – something had to change.

Apparently all christians don’t have a dramatic change as I did. Two recent large surveys found evangelical christians participating in a lot of pre-marital sex. One survey found 80% of 20-30 yr. old evangelical christians involved and sexually active before marriage with 65% having had sex in the year previous to the survey. The other survey found 25% are sexually active as unmarried evangelicals. The disparity of these two surveys raised the angst level in the evangelical world to a fever pitch recently with a virtual “in house” war over the numbers. Christianity Today magazine chronicled much of the recent anxiety-laden discussion. Let’s just average the two evangelical surveys as both of them involved thousands of people. 52% of single evangelical christians ( in the west) between age 20 and 30 are sexually active.

So evangelicals are pretty much in step with the culture sexually in pre-marital behavior. Maybe a few percentage points behind but not much.

There is another religious survey out there which states that Muslims and Hindus are far more abstinent than evangelicals pre-maritally.

Paul the apostle wrote that, “Each one of you know how to take a wife in honor.” Sexual honor-Biblically- means abstinence before marriage. Paul wrote in 1 Thessalonians 4:3,4: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity; that each on of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor.”

This has implications after the wedding. One pastor interviewed and counseled many sexually frustrated evangelical men. Their wives had grown sexually disinterested after their wedding. This pastor found that 100% of these men had sex with their wives during their engagements. His conclusion was that the dishonor involved in violating their fiances’ conscience came back to bite them in the marriage bed. ”It created a distrust in me” wrote one engaged woman to me about a previous failed relationship. She had difficulty trusting men after that one.

Consider these 3 points:

1. Women suffer more depression and self-loathing at the break up of a sexually active relationship (McIlhaney, “Girls Uncovered”.)
2. A Columbia University study found that those who live together are least likely to marry each other.
3. A University of Maryland study found that premarital sexually active people are 60% more likely to divorce.

I met my wife, 4 years after the promiscuity stopped. We got engaged in July of 1975. From the outset, we assumed that we would wait until marriage for sex. Having written that, looking back over all of these 38 years, I realize that I was not honest with myself. I was not honest about how turned on I was around my gorgeous fiance every time we got together. For two months, we acted like a fairly typical engaged and “waiting” couple in a western culture. We hugged, we kissed, we made out some. I found myself experiencing hormonal hell two months into our engagement ”waiting” time. I lived in a constantly turned on state. In early September of 1975, four months before our wedding, it was terrible. I compare myself to a caged orangatang looking for a mate. I decided to speak to my fiancé, Judy. I told her that I could not continue this way in a constantly turned on state. She clearly knew how attracted to her that I was.

I felt like the horniest person in church history.

So, I said to her, “From now until we get married, I am not going to kiss you, hug you, touch you- anything!” For the last four months of our engagement, we lived that way. The frustration and anxiety ceased. It was peaceful. I hugged her two hours before the wedding for a picture but that was it.

Honestly, my reasons for boundary re-adjustment four months prior to the wedding were self interest, but legitimate self interest. I wanted a perfectly blue sky with no clouds and no regrets going into our honeymoon. I wanted sex on fire with no ice water to put the fire out. Judy and I waited, and it was well worth it! Trust me!

Through the years, I have had the privilege to learn some wonderful lessons from people that Judy and I have counselled during their engagements. These people also waited and they have taught me a lot. Let me share some of their experiences and the lessons they taught me. All of these are real stories from real people I have worked with but their names have been changed.

COUPLE # 1

JOE & SUZIE
What they taught me: Engagement sexual Boundaries must be set at the raw “turn on” level-early in the engagement. 

Both Joe and Suzie had asked me for advice as their relationship began at the dating stage and they invited my input throughout. I spotted him one afternoon sitting on a picnic table on our campus. I was in my car, heading to the airport to fly to Europe. I had just found out they got engaged. So, I stopped the car and asked them, “Have you guys set good physical boundaries for your engagement?” She responded, ” Yes, we are going to wait for sex until we are married.” I got out of the car and replied, ” that is not specific enough.” I usually encourage young couples to go to a coffee shop somewhere and make a memorable and wonderful event out of setting their physical boundaries together for their engagement. Then come give us feedback on what they decided. They really should set their own boundaries because everybody’s boundaries may be different.

Each couple should set their own physical boundaries to facilitate waiting. Sometimes, like I did, the boundaries have to be re-set mid course. But there was no time for that as I was on my way to Europe and they needed help, so I said. “Boobs are out, crotches are out, no oral sex. Do you understand?” They both said yes and smiled sheepishly. I got back in the car, hurriedly caught my plane and went to Europe. They stuck with it until their wedding. That was less than optimum, but it worked. They made it work at a very raw and very real level.

Couple # 2

LONNIE & KAREN
What they taught me: Sexual boundaries must be realistic during an engagement.

Lonnie and Karen were engaged with a beautiful relationship. They invited Judy and me to help them set appropriate engagement sexual boundaries. So we asked them where the “turned on” lines were in each of their bodies and minds? Lonnie responded, “We’ll, all she has to do is walk into the room and I get turned on. ” We responded and said, “Uh, Lonnie if you are going to get to know Karen you are going to have to be in the same room with her so you can talk with her and get to know her better preparing for marriage.”

At first, Karen was not honest about her boundaries and actually enjoyed getting turned on. That had to change, and it did. Her first set of boundaries were not reasonable and she was getting too stimulated to last for the longevity of the engagement. It is really not fair to either person, to knowingly turn on a fiancé or allow ourselves to be turned on when we have agreed to wait til marriage for sex. Getting turned on is like starting a rocket engine. Rockets are really not designed to shut off. Different couples boundaries are different, we must respect that. They waited and made it but it took reasonable boundaries.

Couple # 3

SAM & SUZIE
What they taught me: Boundaries may need re-adjustment.

They began their engaged relationship fairly normal with some kissing, hugging etc. Somewhere in there because of the physical chemistry, they decided to stop kissing. They re-adjusted their boundaries to rule kissing out. They continued hugging, holding hands etc. As the wedding approached, one day Sam came to me and said, “We crossed our boundaries last night and I wanted to let you know”. To which I replied, “What did you do?” ”We kissed.”, said Sam. ”Either re-draw the boundary lines to rule ‘kissing in’ or go back to the original boundaries. Stick to them.” Psychological studies have found that crossing internal boundaries carries real psychic damage.

Looking back on this time in his life, Sam sent me an email this morning which I found both enlightening and he reminded me of something I had forgotten about their engagement. I quote his email of this morning verbatim: ”We decided to hold to the no kissing thing-and as I remember it – about three weeks out from the wedding we had to go to no touching whatsoever. Basically at that point the temperature was so hot that we felt like it was the best way to just keep away from temptation. Whenever we were walking together and Suzie would loop her arm in mine, she was innocently thinking ‘we are walking arm in arm’ – while Captain Hormone was thinking, ‘My arm is touching her boob’. So we just went to a total no-fly zone for the last three weeks. It actually created MORE freedom in our relationship those last three weeks.

I probably said some things to her verbally about how much I was looking forward to our wedding that would have caused the wallpaper to peel, but we kept it nonphysical and it was really freeing and actually enjoyable.

And that is to say NOTHING of the payoff on the wedding day and after. Wow!” Sam and Suzie re-adjusted their boundaries and Sam now says, “Wow!” Many years afterward!

Couples # 4 and 5

MEL & TRACY and RICK & MICHELLE
What they Taught Me: When it is time to burn it down, burn down the hotel

Through the years, Judy and I have received some of the most amazing feedback from couples we have counseled. Many times, while they are still on their honeymoon. We have been notified by phone, email, voicemail or told in person! These couples are so happy that they waited. Sometimes it is the groom and sometimes it is the bride. They are all celebrating some awesome sex!

4. Mel and I stood in the back of the congregation as the entrance music for his wedding started. He and I began to walk in to the service but as we did he stopped me and stated. “Bro. I am on fire!” I looked at him and literally began to laugh out loud as we walked down the aisle together and I turned and said to him, “That is the whole point!” The point of waiting until marriage for sex is precisely so that it will be wonderful and as Mel said, “on fire”.

5. Rick married his beautiful southwestern girl. They waited until marriage for sex. I saw him later, in another part of the world, he said to me- first thing. “We burned the hotel down, we burned it to the ground and torched it!”

Let’s celebrate the flames made hotter by the wait!

Song of the Week #165

Song of the Week #164

Check this out:

Song of the Week #163

Displaying the Father

"Displaying the Father" by Tom Crandall.  Reposted from Jesus Culture website:

 Fear flooded his heart as he stood before me trembling. Alex had only been coming to our youth group for about six months prior to this incident, but he sure he had done the inexcusable this time. Earlier that evening, he decided to sneak past our security guards to "borrow" the fire extinguisher and head out for a good time. His chosen target- our neighbor's house. Their house was decorated with Christmas ornament, but there was no snow on the ground- until Alex showed up.

After getting caught covering the yard with Christmas glee, Alex found himself with one of our leaders awaiting my arrival. It was at this point that fear flooded his heart over the possibility of an unknown outcome. He had seen this before but was unprepared for what punishment would look like here. To him, punishment was learned in the foster care system. He was sure he would be sent away because that is what happened all the times before. Alex's perspective was radically changed when we began our conversation.

When I approached him, I could overhear conversation about the need to clean up his mess. This scared boy saw me and immediately looked down. "Learn anything Alex?" I asked. "Yah" he replied. At this point, I continued the conversation about cleaning up the mess and then hugged him. Looking up at me confused, I continued, "I love you and am proud of your for taking responsibility to clean up your mess." At this, his countenance changed. He expected to be punished, banished even, but that is not what he received. He picked up his head and smiled. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

This is one of many encounters of this nature with Alex. Every time, the response was the same: love. Students like Alex is why I do what I do and why I love it.

Alex needed to see what the love of the Father felt like for him, over and over again. But in reality, all of us need that.  And as we receive it from God and each other in community is the way we will give it away to a generation.

The biggest need in society today is fatherhood, and the number one thing Jesus came to reveal was the Father.

Here are 5 things the Father wants us to really know.

1. He loves us unconditionally.
That means exactly what it says.  There is nothing we can do to earn his love. Condemnation, shame and fear are not from God. They are not "tools" he uses to make us more holy or like him. Punishment never made anyone more like God. Love comes from God. God is love.  We cannot exhaust God's love, ever, God cannot deny him self. It's who he is. He is always with us, for us, and cheering us on. When we do well, he loves, when we fall, he loves.  As a father I would never shame my kids into to getting their lives right. Loving conviction always calls out destiny and deals with the problem so we can fulfill our purpose and be his son or daughter. Love never fails!

2. He is a jealous Father.
As a Father my greatest passion is to see my kids grow in relationship with the Lord, flourish in life and joyfully live out their purpose. I am jealous for their hearts and minds to be immersed in grace and truth. Anything that comes against that I come against for their good. I stand against anything that would seek to pollute my kid’s innocence or steal from them. At times there is loving correction or discipline to help them learn and grow through every situation. My wife and I have said no to all other people by giving one yes to each other.  By saying yes to God, as the highest place of love in our hearts all other loves get put in their place.

3. He establishes us in our identity.
In order to understand and live out our purpose we have to understand who we are in a Kingdom. Kingdom means the Kings domain. In Christ we have been born into a Kingdom. John 1:12 says, "But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God."
God is our Father, Jesus is the first Son risen from the dead and because of him and the finished work of the cross we are now Sons and Daughters of the King. That makes you and I royalty in the Kingdom of God and we now relate to Him is as sons and daughters. This is the context on which the Father deals with us on a daily basis. We are Sons and Daughters!

4. He has massive purpose for our lives.
Jeremiah 29:11 say For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Psalm 37:4"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." God has created each of us with a unique purpose in mind. There is a reason why you see the world like you do, and why you love what you love and hate what you hate. The Father is weaving our lives together like a fine tapestry and he uses everything in our lives, nothing gets wasted. It's amazing what The Lord has used in my past to fulfill purpose!

5. He empowers us!
The grace of God is best described as unmerited favor upon a believer showing it through the life. Grace empowers! Grace doesn't just take us out of the negative but puts us way into the positive. You are a child of God! Our lives are marked with favor beyond what we can work for or ever earn.
Receiving empowering grace happens through relationship. Get alone with the Father today and let him love you and empower your heart as his Son or Daughter to shine as a diamond in a dark world.